I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
