I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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