I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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