So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
