i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
