Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
