From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
