please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
