He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
