I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
