Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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