The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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