My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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