Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
