either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
