Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
