..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
