I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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