I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
