I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
