The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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