Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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