i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
