I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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