Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Randomize
