Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
my poor anus
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
