I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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