he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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