he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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