Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Randomize
