Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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