I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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