i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
