He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i just made my gag reflex go away.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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