True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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