A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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