Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
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My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
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I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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