just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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