Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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