Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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