so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
