walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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