see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
