His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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