I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
