I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
