in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
