Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
