He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
