I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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