Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
