I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
