I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
