you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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