I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
