I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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