I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
